Whether she is present or not, whether she in contact with the family at all or not, she is there—in the child’s eyes, or their hair, or the way they laugh. Without a doubt, each adoptive mother is aware—often, if not always—of the mother who birthed her child. And in most instances, the birthmother is wondering about the adoptive mother, if she isn’t speaking to her already.
Each family will define their relationship with each other—some birth parents remain involved with the child and his or her new parents. Others are out of the picture completely. Whatever the case, the best scenario for the child needs to be remembered.
But each mother—birth or adoptive—will have their own thoughts and feelings about the situation, regardless of what it is. And each are unique.
In an article titled, The Other Mother, both an adoptive and birth mother offered their views:
Birthmother: “Yes, of course, there were moments when I felt jealous of [the adoptive mother]. But, more surprisingly, I was jealous of other people in [the child’s] life whom I didn’t know—his babysitters, the guardians his parents had selected for him, neighbors. I wasn’t prepared for a world in which strangers had such access to him. I wanted to scream at these people to stay away from my baby.”
Adoptive Mother: “On one level, it seems crazy to be jealous of [the] birthmother, given that I’m the lucky one who gets to parent [my son], the one who knows him better than anyone, the one he comes to for help and hugs. Having said that, I can tell you there are times I’m envious of my son’s connection with his birth mother, a connection that predates mine and is incontrovertible. His connection with his birth mother will never be doubted, whereas my relationship with him, as his mom, is open to constant evaluation.”
So how can it be managed? How can the vastly different emotions and worries remain in check and dealt with in the best way possible?
Communication and understanding. The mothers, the parents, the rest of both parts of this very unique family, must understand that there are huge emotions on either side, and—if it is conceivable—they must communicate, for the best interest of the child or children.
It can be done. So many have, so many are, and so many will. Your family will be among the successful, happy ideals.
Three Points Center strives to help adopted adolescents who find themselves struggling in many different areas. If you have an adopted teen who needs assistance, call our professional advocates at 435-632-7767.