Adoption is already a pretty tricky subject, but parents can find it even more difficult to deal with such growing pains as a teen finding their own identity because of the adoption. In many children, the knowledge that they are adopted can also cause them to develop various ingrained perceptions about themselves and their adopted history. It might even influence their physical and mental development, and experiences. For these reasons, it's important to understand several things that affect adopted teenagers.

Finding their own, unique teen identity

It's a struggle to find your identity normally, but it's even more difficult for adopted children. Why? Because for some parents, adoption can be difficult to talk about. Often, adoptive parents are afraid of the feelings of resentment or hatred that might accompany learning painful news.

While learning about yourself is difficult, it's doubly difficult when you don't really know who you are. Often, adopted children are trying to figure out who they are as a people, and answer questions like, “Why didn't my parents want me?” or “Do I exhibit traits of my birth mother or father?”

While these questions are difficult for a teen to answer for themselves, they are impossible when they don't have actual answers to these questions. Understanding is important in these phases, as it's integral to feel comfortable in your own skin.

A lingering feeling of wonder and confusion

One of the most difficult aspects of life for adopted children is coming to terms with the idea that they could have lived a much different life, or had much different experiences. Often, they question who they should be, or what their name should have been. They're confused about the future and the past, and worry about their effects on their adoptive family. This establishes confusion about their belonging, and it's more and more difficult to establish connections to their families, especially on holidays like Mother's day, Father's day, or even birthdays.

Establishing connections or lack thereof

For some adopted teens, it's most important to simply build a bond between their birth parents and themselves—even if it's just to settle their image in their own mind, and move on from there. It's completely normal and healthy—but often, this isn’t possible. There could be a myriad of reasons why they can’t or shouldn’t see their birth family. In this instance, a parent can help a child connect with what information is known.

What should adoptive parents do?

• Be supportive; these are some of the most difficult times for your adopted young adult
• Be willing to conduct a meeting between birth parents and their children (if possible and desirable)
• Be supportive of your adopted child's decisions, while keeping their best interests in mind
• Remain selfless and promote forgiveness and understanding.
• Provide stability and a loving environment for them to work through their issues.

Three Points Center is a Residential Treatment Program designed specifically for adopted teens who are struggling. To find out more, call us at (435) 635-0636.