Whether it was an open adoption or closed adoption, it is not unusual for adopted teens to express a desire to learn about their birth parents. After all, they are at a point in their life where they are establishing their identity. This identity crisis causes parents to ask the obvious question, “What if my child wants to meet their birth parents?” The following is designed to help adoptive parents prepare for the reunion of birth parent and adopted child.
It’s important for adoptive parents to understand than when a teen expresses an interest in locating their birth parents, it’s not because they are unhappy with you. Although it may sting a bit, you should never take it personally or feel as if they are rejecting you. Helping your teen can even strengthen the bond between the two of you. It’s human nature to be curious. In most cases, they simply want to know where they came from and why.
It’s completely normal for adoptive parents to attempt to protect their children from aspects of their adoption story that could be painful, such as mental illness, incarceration, drug abuse, and sexual assault. However, it doesn’t benefit them.
According to Joyce Maguire Pavao, author of The Family of Adoption writes, “It is our job to protect our children…from harm. The greatest gift we can give children is to tell them their truths and to help them make sense of these truths, especially when they are complicated and harsh.”
There are instances when finding and meeting their birth parents doesn’t go nearly as well as your teen may believe it will. In some cases, the birth parent may not have any interest in arranging a meeting. In other cases, your teen may have imagined their birth parents to be something it’s obvious they are not when they finally meet. Your teen could even be left with more questions than they started with.
It’s crucial that your teen’s expectations aren’t set too high and that they do not feel too upset or disappointed in the event things do not go as well as expected. While it is fantastic if things go well, don’t let your teen think that everything will go perfectly.
It takes time to build a solid relationship, so don’t allow your teen to put too much pressure on themselves for everything to turn out perfectly. Let them know you have to be patient while building a relationship and not try to rush it.
When your adopted teen comes to you with a request to find their birth parents, offer them your support to ensure the process goes as easily as possible.
Three Points Center is a unique program that serves only adopted children and their families. We specialize in the many different aspects of emotional unrest that adopted children have been known to face, and the therapy and treatment needed to overcome those issues. Call us today at (435) 635-0636.